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16 June 2007 @ 03:12 am
I've been pseudo-spazing all night. Like, stressed out verge of tears WTF kinda freaking out. Too much stress, too much unknown. Too quickly transitioning from then to now. I don't really know what that's going to mean, but I will soon. I'm sad that I've begun to establish friendships, mostly with people from work, in just the last month and now I'm leaving. It's not that I'll never be back or anything, but....I don't see myself living here again in the coming years.

Too many things to think about. Took some cute pictures though, and hopefully more to come. Oh and PS I GOT A NEW COMPUTER.....that's all.
15 June 2007 @ 09:37 am
Ok, you know how I said no more drinking? Well now I actually mean it....man, bleck.

New computer!!%#JLKT@J$%JKLR% It's perty.

Only days left....clock is ticking down. Damn you circumstance.
12 June 2007 @ 06:48 pm
Done. With college. Feels weird....
I think it's been too long since I've been involved in something that didn't make sense. Like two years to be precise. Just something I was able to throw myself into that wasn't logical or thought out or...whatever. Granted, those things are just as important and valuable, I'm just on that side of the balance right now, and need to be tipped in the opposite direction. To some degree I think that maybe I'm not meant for that anymore? Too many questions whenever I'm in those situations...and too much of getting involved with other people who are people who I want to connect with but under poor circumstances. Back to the 'is it worth it right now' debate. And what might be sacrificed later for it? Those kinds of things...maybe I'm too obsessed with maintaining connection at this point...rather than pushing it for all its worth. I sort of feel like I have enough stable ones that I could do that with some of the newer ones, but the fear that I would damage it is too great. Talking to Blake today I realized that I'm just as scared of success as failure. Kind of like what I was talking with Mindi about with the potential new job thing. If you're just scared of failure, then you've got something to work for, but if you're scared of something working out too....then you're stuck in mediocrity.

In any case...I'm trying to let go of my fears. Remember that the people who want to be my friends are the ones I want to be friends with. Right? *insert Woody Allen "Annie Hall" reference here*
11 June 2007 @ 07:19 pm
It JUST occurred to me that...there are people who don't recognize amazing people. Who, when describing an individual to another person (outside of perhaps a significant other) would never say 'they are an amazing person.' Now, maybe I do this too often...but I think its just because my world is surrounded by incredible people. And I can't imagine not recognizing them. Maybe I need to pinpoint one of these people who doesnt' see things that way and discuss this with them...
11 June 2007 @ 04:51 pm
Ok weekend in a nutshell:

good company and sweets
much more drunkenness than planned but awesome dancing and company
YUCK hangover and sleeping all day
more sweets
antsy school work yesterday as well as moving my bed (yay sleeping on couch...) and dresser away
good run

That's about it.

Coming up this week!
FAMILY....lots of it
tattoo/hair cut
one more test and one more paper then its DONE....forEVER (undergrad anywho...)
lots of socializing and working

I'm so effing scared of people....I hate it. I need to get over it. Maybe this summer will help? Getting thrown into a situation with a ton of other people who are just as unknowing as me.....?

The scary part is that I almost feel like I'm at the point where I would sacrfice potential connections because of the fear, and I can never let that be true.
07 June 2007 @ 09:58 pm
I sort of wish I wasn't such an old lady right now. Being good and responsible apparently means going to bed early, and not drinking lots, as that makes it quite difficult to get up and exercize in the morning. Not that I can't go out and have fun without drinking, I just need to be in a particular state of mind.
I think I'm going to try to get my tattoo before I leave...or at least work on the possibility. Hopefully tomorrow? Debating how much work I want to put into it vs letting them doing it? Or...using symbolism, but I don't think it will have quite the same effect with this one. We'll see I'll try to go in tomorrow. I also know that the more I have them do on it, the more it's going to cost, and funds aren't exactly in high supply at the moment. But I decided where and what shape...just not how exactly.
I want to go out...and I want to have enough energy to actually do it. Or motivation. I'm getting up tomorrow to go hang out with one of the few people left here I haven't really connected with, and that's about all I want to do at this point SO...I will go knit. And try to be generally useful.
06 June 2007 @ 12:51 am
This is no longer my life.....these are arbitrary movements pre-determined by decisions and choices I have already made. I am not making my way through these next days - they are being made for me. I'm watching them go by with little recognition that this is the same life I've always had. The same people, the same me. This seems to be so far beyond my reach.....or scope of understanding....comprehending.
03 June 2007 @ 01:40 pm
OMG....I'm so freaking glad I went to the coast. I'm now completely sore, exhausted, dirty, salty and sore-stomached, but it was worth it. We drank SO much beer last night. Like...dozens and dozens. I don't even know how many I had. THEN I reminded Molly that we were supposed to jump in the ocean, and figured Luke would do it too, so we put on our suits and walked to the beach and did. It was amazing and exhilirating and free-ing. It was freezing, but I couldn't even feel it, and I just wanted to stay there forever. It was a moment of connection with the world, and myself, and those around me.

Luke may have talked me into going to Burning Man....I shall have to contemplate a little further. And see how much money I DON'T have. It sort of sounded like OCF times a million.

I don't know...I feel like I need to write more to encapsulate such a lovely evening, but I don't know what to say. There was no drama (although there was some speculation which kind of cracked me up). And my continued confidence in intuition has picked up again through a few experiences/interactions. The people that I think are fucking awesome *probably* are, and I should not be as frightened of them as I tend to be. Because chances are they're like me, and if someone starts talking to them they'll engage. I think I need to not worry about making such a big deal out of it, and proclaiming my intentions. Or something like that.......

02 June 2007 @ 01:35 am
Maybe I need to stop drinking as much. Maybe I need to just let it all hang out. But there's been a lot of hurt lately. Not other people hurting me, but....recognizing and coping with a lot of things that have happened in the last year. Things I've lost, learned, etc. All becoming more clear, and dealing with them in a way much more alone than ever before. I'm ok with it, and it's good and all that. Just a little much sometimes. And it is hard at the end of the day to not have that re-cap and bounce-able reaction. Maybe I need to learn to be that for myself? In any case....
I know I'm excited about this summer, and life, and all that is yet to come. And though it still frightens me, I have to let myself process that fear and anxiety. Get through it so I can move on, because it's always trying to ignore it which causes me problems.