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08 August 2007 @ 10:27 pm
just don't know  
I don't know what I'm doing with myself....how or where or who or what or if....

I'm tired of being stressed. And on the verge of tears all the time because I don't have things together. Even worse because I know I don't HAVE to have things together, but I want it anyway. Everyone keeps telling me not to try to figure it out, because you never do. I'm ok with that.
I don't know if I can keep pushing this hard. I mean, obviously it wont be *this* hard forever...but, it gets so exhausting, and feels futile. I know I need to figure that out. There's just too many questions that I'm trying to answer right now.
And I'm not exercising, and I'm gaining weight...and this bothers me, and maybe I just need to wait out the next few weeks. And then I can find a rhythm? I hope.
And maybe I just need to be honest with myself, and realize that I can't say goodbye to all these people yet. I love them so tremendously, and as much as I try, I know that....as good as I am compared to most people with keeping in touch, that I won't. That we all won't.
I can't manage myself right now. I feel like I need someone to take care of me. I'm tired of being alone and isolated...I can't deal with it for much longer. Eugene wouldn't be any better really. I mean, there would be a few people nearby, but mostly those involved with other lives who have played minor roles in mine, and most of them that I've just met in the last year. I feel like I could be happy here, but there are a lot of factors...maybe too many. Is there any way that they can all coincide?
 
 
 
EMRsilverskit on August 9th, 2007 06:39 am (UTC)
Eric is in Oregon from the 11th to the 22nd. I'm going to try and figure something out...with you, too.
Rowan Othellosinnerman on August 9th, 2007 07:30 pm (UTC)
you have till tomorrow to figure it all out, then I am coming for you! *threatening look* You whole life: what you want, how you will achieve it, who you want to be with, how many kids you will have, where you will live, how many shingles will be on the roof... all of it. You must know it ALL.
Blakeedouard_stevew on August 10th, 2007 07:34 am (UTC)
I can't manage myself right now. I feel like I need someone to take care of me. I'm tired of being alone and isolated...I can't deal with it for much longer. Eugene wouldn't be any better really. I mean, there would be a few people nearby, but mostly those involved with other lives who have played minor roles in mine, and most of them that I've just met in the last year. I feel like I could be happy here, but there are a lot of factors...maybe too many. Is there any way that they can all coincide?

Breath, sweetie, breath. I had a recent freak out, myself. Hugs, as many as you need, and I hope things become more clear. Let me know if you want to talk.